From the Principal’s Desk – Earlybird Educare
At Earlybird Educare, we believe every moment is a learning opportunity, including the challenging ones. Conflict is one of the most common (and powerful) learning opportunities in the preschool years. That might sound surprising, but it’s true: when two children disagree over a toy or argue over who was first in line, they’re not being “naughty”—they’re growing.
As a principal, I’ve seen it all: the tears, the tug-of-wars, and the “You’re not my friend!” declarations. But I’ve also seen something beautiful happen when adults respond with empathy, structure, and patience: children begin to learn the essential skills of emotional regulation, communication, and peaceful problem-solving.
Let’s take you through what conflict looks like for little ones, why it’s important, and how you, as parents, can support conflict resolution from babyhood through to the preschool years.
What is Conflict (and Why Is It Good)?
Conflict is simply a disagreement between people, often over needs, wants, or emotions. For young children, it usually involves wanting the same toy, not understanding how to share it, or struggling with big feelings they haven’t yet learnt to manage.
It’s normal. It’s expected. And, importantly, it’s an opportunity. (A Teachable moment.)
Rather than something to avoid, conflict gives children the chance to:
- Learn how to express themselves.
- Understand the perspectives of others.
- Discover how to negotiate, compromise, and resolve.
These are the building blocks of emotional intelligence, skills that are just as important as learning to count or write their name.
What Does Conflict Look Like in Early Childhood?
Conflict in young children rarely looks like what we see in older children or adults. It’s more raw, more emotional, and often more physical because young children are still learning to use language to communicate instead of their bodies.
Here’s how conflict often shows up:
- Babies (3–12 months): Crying or fussing when another child takes a toy or touches them too suddenly.
- Toddlers (1–3 years): Pushing, grabbing, biting, or shouting when they feel overwhelmed or can’t express what they want.
- Preschoolers (3–5 years): Saying unkind things, refusing to share, or storming off from a game.
It might look messy, but underneath, your child is trying to make sense of emotions, relationships, and their place in the world.
How Conflict Helps Your Child Grow
Handled with care, conflict can support your child’s development in incredible ways. When we guide children through these moments, we help them develop:
- Social Skills:
Children learn how to take turns, wait, ask politely, and consider others’ feelings.
- Emotional Regulation:
They begin to recognise their feelings, understand what triggers them, and learn calming strategies.
- Problem-Solving:
They begin to generate solutions, try out ideas, and practice working things out with others.
- Empathy:
By seeing how others feel, children learn to care, apologise, and be more thoughtful friends.
This emotional growth lays the foundation for stronger friendships, better cooperation, and greater resilience, not just in preschool, but throughout life.
The 6 Steps to Conflict Resolution (The Earlybird Way)
At our schools, we guide children through a simple and powerful six-step process whenever conflict arises. It’s gentle, consistent, and developmentally appropriate, and it’s something you can try at home too.
Step 1: Calm Down First
Children (and adults!) can’t solve problems when emotions are running high. The first step is always to pause and calm our bodies.
How you can help:
Young children are still learning how to regulate their emotions, so they need you to model and guide them through the calming process. If your child is crying, shouting, or acting out, help them find a way to settle down before discussing what happened.
- Use calming tools like sensory bottles, breathing exercises, or quiet corners.
- Stay close and connected, even if they’re upset. Your calm presence helps them feel safe.
- For babies: Your soothing voice, steady breathing, and gentle rocking are powerful calming tools. Babies learn to regulate by co-regulating with you.
Phrases or questions that could be beneficial:
These help label emotions, offer grounding, and invite problem-solving.
– “Let’s calm our bodies so we can think clearly.”
– “I’m here. You’re safe.”
– “Let’s breathe together. In… and out…”
– “It’s okay to feel upset. I’ve got you.”
– “I see you’re trying so hard.”
– “That was a big feeling. Let’s sit together.”
– “We’re going to figure this issue out together.”
Step 2: Listen to Each Other
Once calm, give each child the chance to explain what happened. For toddlers, this might be just a few words. For preschoolers, it could be more detailed.
How you can help:
Children need to learn that their feelings and words are valid and matter. Listening to them without rushing, judging, or correcting helps them feel heard and encourages them to open up in future conflicts.
- Get down to their level and make eye contact. This shows you’re fully present.
- Repeat back what you hear to check understanding and show empathy.
- If your child is preverbal, give them the words: “You look upset. Did she take the block you were using?”
Phrases or questions that could be beneficial:
These reassure children that their thoughts and feelings matter.
- “Can you tell me what made you upset?”
- “I’m listening. Tell me more.”
- “I want to understand what happened.”
- “I hear you. That sounds really important.”
- “Thank you for telling me how you feel.”
- “You can always tell me anything.”
- “I’m here to help, not to get mad.”
- “Let’s figure this out together.”
Step 3: Show Understanding
Acknowledging your child’s feelings helps build emotional awareness and teaches them to understand others’ perspectives as well.
How you can help:
Children don’t always know how to label or make sense of emotions. When you reflect their feelings back to them, you show that emotions are acceptable, and you help them grow their emotional vocabulary.
- Use simple emotion words: mad, sad, scared, excited, and frustrated.
- Validate both sides: “You were upset because they didn’t wait. They felt rushed because they thought it was their turn.”
- Be neutral: Don’t take sides or shame either child.
Phrases or questions that could be beneficial:
These phrases show you’re trying to see things from their perspective, which builds emotional safety.
– “I can see why you felt that way.”
– “That must have been difficult for you.”
– “It’s okay to feel that way.”
– “I understand you were really hoping for that.”
– “It makes sense that you felt upset.”
– “You wanted things to go a different way, didn’t you?”
– “It’s tough when things don’t go as we want.”
– “You didn’t mean for it to go that way; I get that.”
– “Your heart felt big feelings. I see that.”
For nonverbal children, you can try:
– “I see your face. You didn’t like that, hey?”
– “Are you feeling a bit unsure? I’m right here.”
– “You’re telling me something with your body. Let’s see if I can understand.”
– “Let’s sit quietly until you’re ready. I’m here.”
Step 4: Identify the Problem
Once your child has calmed down emotionally, assist them in defining the actual problem. This moves the conversation from blame to solution.
How you can help:
Naming the problem clearly helps children feel less overwhelmed and more empowered to solve it.
- Use a calm, clear tone: “So the problem is that you both want to use the red car at the same time?”
- Repeat the problem back so both children agree on what happened.
- Teach the difference between a problem and a feeling: “You felt mad because of the problem—not being able to play when you wanted to.”
Phrases or questions that could be beneficial:
These help children reflect and build awareness of their actions and feelings.
– “What happened just now?”
– “Can you tell me what made you feel that way?”
– “Something changed. Can you help me understand what it was?”
– “Let’s talk about what made this hard.”
– “Were you feeling upset, mad, or sad?”
– “What did you want to happen instead?”
– “Did someone take something, say something, or do something?”
– “Did your body do something your heart didn’t mean?”
– “Can we figure out together what went wrong?”
Step 5: Think of Solutions
Now that the problem is identified, help children think of ways to make it better. This builds creative thinking and cooperation.
How you can help:
Let children take the lead here—but offer support if they get stuck or are still learning how to share and compromise.
- Give options: “Would you like to take turns with the timer, or can one of you use another toy first?”
- Model brainstorming: “What could we do to help both of you feel happy?”
- Praise fair and kind ideas: “That was a great idea to play together with the animals instead!”
Phrases or questions that could be beneficial:
These open-ended phrases invite children to think of ways to fix or improve the situation.
– “What could we do to make this better?”
– “How can we solve this together?”
– “What are some good ideas we can try?”
– “What would help you and your friend both feel happy?”
– “Can we come up with a fair solution?”
– “What could we do differently next time?
Step 6: Agree and Try It Out
The final step is to try the solution. Even if it doesn’t work perfectly, what matters most is the effort and learning.
How you can help:
Encourage your child to follow through on their plan and check in to see how it goes. If it doesn’t work, stay calm and help them return to problem-solving.
- Celebrate the attempt: “You worked that out so nicely, high five!”
- Stay nearby: Young children often need adult support to follow through the first few times.
- Reassure them: It’s okay if their plan doesn’t work the first time. Trying again builds resilience.
Phrases or questions that could be beneficial:
These give children the language to commit to trying a solution.
– “Let’s give that a try and see if it works.”
– “We can try it, and if it doesn’t work, we’ll think of another idea.”
– “Let’s test that out together!”
– “This sounds like a great plan—are we ready to try?”
– “We made a choice—now let’s try it.”
– “You solved that together. I’m proud of both of you.”
Here are some tips for Different Ages
Babies (3–12 months):
- Respond quickly and consistently to cries and distress.
- Narrate what’s happening: “You’re upset. I see that. Let’s make it better.”
- Use a gentle tone and slow movement to model calm responses.
Toddlers (1–3 years):
- Introduce basic feeling words: happy, sad, and mad.
- Practice sharing and waiting during play. (use a timer if needed.)
- Use books or puppets to explore social situations.
Preschoolers (3–5 years):
- Encourage role-play and storytelling around social themes.
- Use “if… then…” phrases to help with self-regulation: “If you want a turn, then ask with kind words.”
- Praise problem-solving even more than the outcome.
Final Words from the Principal
Conflict may be uncomfortable, but it’s not something to fear. When children experience conflict and are lovingly guided through it, they’re learning skills they’ll use for the rest of their lives.
So next time your child argues over a toy or gets frustrated during a game, take a breath and remember: this is a teachable moment. With your support, they can become peacemakers, problem-solvers, and kind-hearted friends.
Let’s continue to work together as parents, teachers, and caregivers to raise children who are not just school-ready but life-ready.
Warmly,
Principal Claudia
Earlybird Educare
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